Look At Me
by XxCenteredHeartxX
Summary: Over the years Karin and Toshiro have become close friends. But when feelings get too deep, things threaten to keep them apart. (Drabble-esque) semi-au
1. Coincidence

_**Authors Note:** This will be the only time I will comment during one of the chapters. I feel like it would ruin the mood of the story. The chapters will be short and quick. Others will be longer. So please enjoy this romance fic. Thank you._

* * *

 _Coincidence_

He met her by chance.

He picked up her ball by chance.

It was a coincidence she knew what he was.


	2. Questions

_Questions_

She asks if he knows where her brother is.

He apologizes and tells her he doesn't.

She suddenly doesn't know what to say.

She knows this is the last time she'll see him.


	3. Winter

_Winter_

When he sees her again, she is taller. Her hair is slightly longer.

She is calling him by his first name, but he makes no effort to correct her. To her, he is not a captain.

She is teasing him and he can't help but find comfort in her name calling.

It is winter but she makes it feel like spring.

It is cold because he does not know when he will meet her again.


	4. Apart

_Apart_

It's been seventeen months since she last saw him.

She knows he has returned for the sole purpose of helping her brother. She makes no effort to go to him.

There _is_ no reason for her to go to him.

She thinks it's best to stay away from him.


	5. Death

_Death_

The news of Karin Kurosaki's passing creates an up roar in the Gotei Thirteen.

"Another Kurosaki to cause trouble..." He heard one of the captains say.

He does not know what to think.

"Isn't this great, taicho? Now you won't be so bored." Rangiku said with a cheeky grin.

"I never said I was bored, Matsumoto."

He does not know what to feel.


	6. Lost

_Lost_

They are sent to find Ichigo Kurosaki's younger sister.

Months have passed since the news of her death and she is yet to be found.

He is starting to think that maybe she does not want to be found.

 _pt. 2_

When Karin wakes, her head is throbbing.

Eyes wander and she does not know where she is. Her body feels light and it's suddenly easier to breathe.

She remembers nothing but her name and family.

She knows she must find her brother


	7. Found

_Found_

He found her by chance.

That is what he tells himself. That is what he wants to believe.

He approaches her with caution, he calls her name gently.

"Karin."

There is a response.

"Yes?"

"Everyone has been looking for you. Your brother has been searching for you." He reaches for her.

And as she takes his hand, he realizes she does not remember him.


	8. Bruden

_Burden_

He carries her on his back and she is asking him questions.

He responds with simple answers.

She suddenly asks him for his name and he's starting to think she's nothing but a burden.

"Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya." He replies. He realized how empty that sounded.

 _You should know who I am._


	9. Strange

_Strange_

She feels comfortable being carried by him. His scent numbs her senses and she is suddenly enjoying every minute she is with him.

He is cold and distant towards her yet she can't help but feel like she knows him.

They land softly onto the ground and immediately they are surrounded by the other shinigami who have been looking for her.

It doesn't take long for her to spot Ichigo.

"Thank you, Toshiro." she hears him say. The white haired captain only scoffed in response.

She did not want to let go.

He is now out of her reach.


	10. Forgotten

_Forgotten_

"She really doesn't remember you, huh taicho." Rangiku had a pensive expression to which he scoffed in response.

Ever since Karin has been found, she has come by multiple times, on multiple occasions and upon asking her why, she responded with the fact that she feels more comfortable spending her time with them yet she doesn't necessarily know why that could be.

Rangiku has noticed that the young girl, perhaps young woman, didn't recognize her captain the moment he returned to his office. She saw it in his eyes when she asked how she was.

"It's fine." He said, filling out his paperwork.

"This is fine."


	11. Excuses

_Excuses_

She does not remember him and he thinks he could come to terms with it.

When she visits, she calls him captain and not _Toshiro_. She is respectful of him and his lieutenant, she addresses them formally because she knows her place. She knows she is not of their rank.

She does not remember him and he thinks that it's best if she does not remember.


	12. Thirty-three percent

_33%_

She is 33% sure she knows him.

She is 33% sure she has met him before, maybe in her previous life.

She is always cautious around him. She makes sure to call upon him respectively. She is nothing but a squad member of the fifth division, placed there because her brother requested it. She has no right to call his name so disrespectfully.

She has no right to think she knows him.


	13. Kindred Spirits

_Kindred Spirits_

When Toshiro is told that Karin is to be transferred into his division he does not know how to react.

When she finally arrives, he does not know what to think.

She grins widely at his confused expression. "Hello, Toshi- uh, I mean, captain Hitsugaya. Where shall I put my things?"

He leads her into an empty room, to which she promptly put her things down.

She suddenly starts laughing.

"What's so funny?"

She wipes the lone tear from her eye, "I don't know... I just—I suddenly feel like I'm at home."

It was the happiest he's ever seen her.


	14. Comfortable

_Comfortable_

She realizes that she is most comfortable when he is around. It is a secret she is willing to keep.

Not that she'll admit it. She'd rather spare herself of the embarrassment.

He is cold and distant, sometimes moody. This, she noticed during the times she spent with Rangiku when they would poke harmless fun at their commander.

She hears the door slide open.

"You're late captain."

She turns to face him,

And for the first time since her arrival,

Their eyes meet.


	15. Memory

_Memory_

He looks at her and she remembers who he is. He looks at her, and suddenly, she feels empty.

He asks her what's the matter but she could hardly speak. Unknown emotions are filling her body and she does not know what to do.

She decides not to tell him.

She does not want to trouble him.


	16. Knowing

_Knowing_

The first to notice that she regained her memory was Rangiku.

Shortly after, Ichigo.

A Month later, Rukia.

It did not take long for the news to reach her captain.


	17. Answers

_Answers_

When he finally finds her, he is breathless and tired.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks in a tone that is unfamiliar to both of them. In a tone that sounds relieved yet sad. In a tone that betrays his pride.

Karin tears her gaze away from him, unable to look at him directly, suddenly feeling embarrassed and guilty. "I thought it would have been better if I hadn't. I thought that it would trouble you if I were to say anything."

"You thought wrong Kurosaki, it bothered me that you didn't remember."

He approaches her and forces her to look at him.

"It bothered me because you are my friend and you forgot. "


	18. Friends

_Friends_

She shows affection with baseless name calling and with backhanded compliments. He learns to hear the fondness in her words.

They have renewed their friendship and he shows appreciation by happily accepting her crassness. She is strong and bold and is never afraid to say what is on her mind. At times she could be extremely rude, and all of their friends groan and complain, but she smiles.

Together, they laugh at an inside-joke. "You had to be there." they explain, when asked what was so funny. No one has ever seen the stoic captain laugh as much as he did in that moment.

She whacks his shoulder, grinning.

"I know." He says.

Everyone in the soul society think they must have a secret language.


	19. No questions

_No Questions_

The thing he enjoys most about her is that he does not need to say a word for her to know how or what he is feeling.

It is also the thing he detests.

It means she will never pester him with annoying and exhausting questions — _how are you, what's wrong, are you feeling okay? You don't look so well._ — and that is fine. That is good. He likes that part.

The part where she doesn't ask.

But when he is down— when the darkness inside him swells and grows heavy, he cannot pretend to be fine. There is no luxury in pretending.

Karin always knows, and she never let's him leave her sight until she can see and feel him feeling better.


	20. Not Me

_Not Me_

She has grown the bad habit of sensing his heart beat whenever she is feeling down. And because of said habit she can tell when he is looking at Momo because his heart will start doing backflips. It is so unfair, she thinks, that she can't simply look away and spare herself.

Of course not, who was she kidding? She can always feel him loving her whenever the fifth division vice captain is near — he swoons, he sighs and he tries to enjoy her as much as he possibly can from a respectful distance.

 _I don't care. I don't care. I don't care._

She's been saying this to herself for years.

Maybe if she continues it will come true.

 _I don't love him. Not like that. Not me. Never me._


	21. Speech

_Speech_

Everyone gets ready for Ichigo's acceptance as the new captain of the fifth division. Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya stands at the podium, delivering a moving speech in Ichigo's honor.

The audience gives him the same look. He's always been looked down upon for being one of the youngest captains in the Gotei 13. He is much less a " _Captain_ ", and much more a " _child_ " in the eyes of the elders. He is said to be too rash because of his tendency to show great haste or lack of consideration for his actions. Much too inexperienced to be a captain. It makes him feel inferior to the other Captains despite knowing that he is now on their level.

But in the front row sits Karin. Her eyes, unconcerned of the murmuring going on around her, stare in front of her and she smiles. She knows he is nervous, but he sounds honest and strong.

He focuses on her and his confidence grows.

The applause is thunderous when he finishes.


	22. Blind

_Blind_

After the ceremony, Rukia thanks him for such a stirring speech. "You did Ichigo justice," She smiles, "he was surprised you managed to say nice things about him."

"He's an honorable man, Kuchiki, he's gained everyone's respect as well as mine. You're a lucky woman." He says, noticing the slight blush that has tinted her cheeks.

"You know," she gives a suggestive nod to where their friends gather around Ichigo and Hinamori, "you've got a great girl over there waiting for you to get your head together."

Toshiro smiles. He doesn't realize she is not talking about Momo.


	23. Weather

_Weather_

Her most intimate secret is that she is afraid of thunderstorms. Who would of thought that Soul Society had such a thing as climate change? Well, she certainly didn't. And she was caught by surprise.

She hates the lighting and despises the thunder. Outside the weather rages on, noisy and chaotic and dangerous.

Karin doesn't knock before entering— she knows he was expecting her from the beginning.

Toshiro is sitting straight up in bed, and she quickly goes to his side with fear in her heart and shaking hands.

Lightning strikes and she squeezes his hand; he swears he can feel the electricity burning in her chest.

Thunder roars and he wraps an arm around her; the sound makes her head feel like it is exploding.

They only ever embrace when it storms.


	24. Pretty

_Pretty_

When he wakes, Karin is beside him. It startles him at first— he didn't remember either of them falling asleep, and he certainly didn't remember her nestling against his side the way she is now.

Carefully, slowly, he slips away from her grasp and then... looks at her.

Karin is pretty in a way he never noticed— maybe it's because he never looked at her properly since she is almost always on the move, he always had the idea that she had hard features like her father. And he knows she doesn't like the attention she receives for being Ichigo's sister so he always made sure to give her some space.

But she is pretty, in a gentle, floral way.

He carries her to her room.


	25. Unwanted Feelings

_Unwanted Feelings_

She told everyone that she went to train for the purpose of getting stronger. But in reality, she went to smash her feelings.

She does not know what to do with _feelings_ other than to obliterate them.

The ache in her muscles relieve her from the ache in her heart. The blood dripping down her blistered hands reminds her that she is independent.

She is the strongest person she knows.

She doesn't need anyone— especially not him.


	26. Judge

_Judge_

They are looking again.

Again, they are judging him.

But when you are the prodigy of the Gotei 13 and when you also wield the strongest ice element zanpactou in all of soul society, people are sure to stare.

When all your past mistakes are still held against you after all the years that have passed, people won't take their eyes off you.

He will admit that he was young and naive and he used to listen to his heart more than his head. But that does not give the people the right to scrutinize him for mistakes that should long be forgotten because he is now one of the most respected captains.

He now understands himself and that should be enough.

With his head held high, he looks dead ahead, doing his best to ignore as he makes his way to meet with Captain-Commander Yamamoto.

He is scowling again.


	27. Feelings

_Feelings_

She spots them one night when she was on her way to her room.

It has already gotten dark but the moon was extraordinarily bright that evening, bright enough to actually see them together for the first time.

They look good together, she admitted, ignoring the fast pace of her beating heart.

She sees him whisper sweet nothings into her ear, and she is giggling and laughing as his lips come into contact with hers.

Karin decides to look away, scolding herself for intruding on something intimate between the two, and she locks herself in her room.

Inside it is cold and dark, the only noise audible is her heart beating wildly against her chest.

 _I don't like this feeling. I don't need it. It's not necessary. It's okay._

She closes her eyes shut.

 _I don't need to look._


	28. Hatred

_Hatred_

Beating hearts that were in sync the night before. The deafening sound of two becoming one.

She hardly slept.

Bloodshot eyes stared up at the ceiling and the tears she is so desperately trying to hold back never come because she forbids herself from crying.

And she hated, she hated him for the mess that she has become.

She has never felt so weak.

But no one will ever know about the ache in her chest and her struggle to breathe.


	29. Best Friend

_Best Friend_

He considers her his best friend because he could tell her exactly how he feels and she won't judge him.

She is his best friend because he could be completely _raw_ with her.

Right now they are teasing Renji, "Moocher." Karin says, satisfied with his reaction, and she snorts and she laughs and he could look no where else.

"Nice pink hair Renji, who dyed it for you? Yachiru?" He adds in, smirking as he watched the lieutenant's face turn beet red in anger.

"It's RED! _R.E.D._ And _no_ Yachiru didn't _dye_ it for me, it's my natural color!" He turns to Ichigo, "I think your sister broke Captain Hitsugaya."

"That's not my problem _moocher_."

Renji mumbles something under his breath and he is scolding them for something petty and pointless, besides the name calling, but they are not listening.

Instead, they are laughing.


	30. Broken

_Broken_

When it comes to Toshiro and Momo, there is never a clear explanation. He has vowed to protect her, yet he knows the potential she has to get stronger. They were thought of as the perfect couple, completely compatible.

And they were _so_ in love.

The only choice Karin had was to look away and act like she didn't feel his heart beating for the fifth division lieutenant.

Rangiku would apologize to her on occasion because the lieutenant knew of her feelings for their captain due to a drunken confession a few months ago.

Karin never dared to come between them because she too agreed that they are indeed a _perfect_ couple.

But now all she feels is his broken beating heart.


	31. Her

_Her_

Whenever Toshiro and Momo are in a room together, there is so much history in the way he looks at her. In the way he says her name. In the way he speaks to her.

When they are together, there is a current that runs between them, like an electric charge on the verge of erupting into a perfect storm.

The type of storm that she hates.

"I don't love her anymore," he says.

And it is in the way he says the word, _her_ — that tells her otherwise.


	32. Weather: part 2

_Weather: part 2_

The weather has been crazy lately. One week it's perfect and warm, the next week... not so much.

It storms again, but Toshiro is not in his room when she goes to look for him.

And even though she knows she shouldn't, she enters anyway, finding his robe and shrugging into it.

Thunder crashes and her heart begins to pound.

She crawls into his bed, the sheets smell just like him and she inhales, suddenly finding herself breathing in all the comfort she possibly can until he returns from... _wherever_ he is.

 _It's fine... I'm fine..._

She sinks deeper into his blankets, hugging herself tightly.

She'll wait for him here.


	33. Pretty: part 2

_Pretty: part 2_

He returns to his room after speaking with Hinamori, soaking wet and exhausted and sniffling — maybe from the rain, maybe from his intense emotions. Who knows? He certainly doesn't.

He is busy taking off his clothes when he notices Karin slumbering peacefully through the rain. If it were any other day, he'd smile. But instead, he sighs.

She is wearing his captain's haori and is hugging his pillow tightly with strands of her hair falling over face.

He moves some strands away from her eyes.

 _She's really pretty..._

The rain had become a light drizzle and he can't help but think that she shouldn't be in his bed. But he somehow likes that she's there.

He crawls in beside her and is asleep in minutes.


	34. Nervous

_Nervous_

She's nervous.

Toshiro is beside her, snoring gently, while she panics internally. She had woken up thinking that she would wake up in her own room... In her _own_ bed like every other morning when she decided to seek comfort for her shitty fear of shitty storms, but alas, she is still in her captain's room and in _his_ bed. It's the only time she genuinely wished she wasn't there in that moment.

She looks at him and sighs like the love sick fool that she is. She's so close to him that she could actually count his eyelashes that remind her of snow. With out realizing what she's doing, she reaches out. Her heart is thumping like mad.

Trembling fingertips touch warm skin— she traces the shape of his arm as gently as she can.

Slowly, she travels up his bicep,

Then his shoulder,

Then his chest.

His skin is rigid with scars, both large and small. The evidence of his countless battles.

She thinks he is wonderfully flawed.

Suddenly his breathing changes.

Eyes open and her fingers are resting against his collarbone.

She freezes.

Then, as much as she wished he hadn't, he sleepily says her name,

 _"...Karin?"_


	35. Touch

_Touch_

Her body goes hot with embarrassment.

I was just... uh, this isn't, um..." She had become a blubbering fool,"...you can go ahead and kill me now."

She desperately wished a hole would suddenly open and swallow her whole. She was an idiot and she wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out again. What was she thinking? She should've never looked for him, she regrets _ever_ looking for him.

"It's okay. Finish." She hears him say.

Her face feels hotter and she could only imagine herself turning redder, but she continues, only touching the places she's _allowed_ to touch.

Her hands aren't soft or smooth— they are rough and calloused, evidence of her extensive training. She isn't incredibly gental either, but he can tell she's trying.

She holds in her breath, her fingers trace his jawline and her eyes soften in awe.

 _He's beautiful..._ She can't help but think.

He is enjoying her caress and she returns to his chest. He watches her carefully— she's fascinated and apprehensive. She stops just a shy away from his scar he received from Aizen many years ago and he could see her hesitate. She's afraid.

"Continue." He says, almost too softly to hear, "It's okay."

.

.

.

Upon touching it, her horror betrays her, it was an unsightly thing and her mouth falls open.

The skin was rough and thick and uneven. The wound was so grand she wondered how he managed to survive such a deadly injury.

"Oh..." The word escapes her mouth without intentionally meaning to say it, in a sympathetic and frightened gasp. Realization hit her when the name Aizen popped into her head, she had heard stories of him and she somehow _knew_ he was the one who caused Toshiro this injury. She began to shake.

He's never been fond of that particular scar. It reminded him of his failures of stopping Aizen when he had the chance and his failure of protecting Momo. Watching Karin's reaction only made him feel sick.

He removes her hannds.

"Toshiro I'm-"

"Don't say anything." He didn't want to hear what she had to say.

"But-"

"It's okay... just... I need you to leave."


	36. Excuse

_Excuse_

Because Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya is _just so busy_. He doesn't remember the last time he felt the pressure of incoming deadlines and incoming messages and important meetings and oh, he's just _so_ busy! But he knows this was just an excuse to _avoid_ her. Today is no different, and everyone in the 10th division barracks knows that he wishes to be undisturbed.

In his defense, it wasn't necessarily _untrue_ , since he does have all these documents that Rangiku had failed to sign and he simply doesn't have the time to socialize because of said documents that he _has_ to sign.

It's also times like these where he is grateful for Rangiku being the way she is.

And it's not like he doesn't want to see her- no, not that at all. Karin is his best friend. The only one he trusts besides Matsumoto. The only one who _understands_ him in a way that Momo never understood him. And he appreciates her for that. He's glad he met her.

It's just, he wouldn't know what to say to her.

But he mostly worries about what she would _say_ or what she would _think_ of him.

 _Stay busy._ He tells himself.

He'd much rather distract himself with work than to confront the issue at hand.


	37. Apology

_Apology_

She comes to him to apologize. It's dark in his room, the only source of light being the moonlight bleeding through the window. She struggles to find the correct words to say.

Karin isn't good at apologies. She fumbles for words and her cheeks suddenly feel very warm, she could feel herself blush. "Um, about the other night, I… uh… I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay." It's all he's said to her lately.

"Can I try again?"

He doesn't answer - she reaches for him anyway, and this time she's ready. This time her hands are gentle and this time he doesn't see fear. She touches him like a spirit, like she is in awe of what she sees.

This time… this time, she leans in.

He stays still.

It didn't take long for her to find his mouth.


	38. Passion

_Passion_

Karin is clumsy and inexperienced because she has never done anything like this before.

But Toshiro is experienced, a veteran, when it comes down to knowing the female body; he is familiar with intimacy, she could tell by how he _touches_ her, by how he's _kissing_ her. She could feel the shape of his lips burning onto her sensitive skin.

She could feel her body flush under his touch.

She has never been touched this way before, and so she's gasping and moaning into his mouth as his hand lazily runs down her inner thigh. _"Shh,"_ He whispers in her ear.

And she shudders. She's never been under anyone's mercy before.

Toshiro revels in her sensitivity, enjoying the feeling of her skin against his own. He knows he is the first man to ever touch her like this.

She seizes bed sheets into her shaking hands.

He silences her impassioned cries with a kiss.


	39. Regret

_Regret_

Toshiro has always been faithful to one woman. That is what he tells himself.

He's faithful and he tries his best in the relationship. He makes sure to keep his promises. He's devoted to _her_ only. He was in love with her.

Then he made the huge mistake of _sleeping_ with her. But the damage was already there and he realized it too late. Their friendship ended up suffering in the aftermath.

And now Karin, their perfect friendship. He thinks back to the events that happened the night before. His heart aches at the memory and he is angry at himself for crossing a line he knew he shouldn't have.

He remembers her looking absolutely beautiful as she lay in his arms; her hair falling over her shoulders creating a stunning black veil as she looked at him with something other than lust.

He realizes with shame, the sacred bond that has been jeopardized.

He is embarrassed of what he's done and now they can't be just friends.

What they've done can't be taken back.


	40. How It Used to Be

_How It Used to Be_

Karin wonders if people could notice.

She stands before a full-length mirror, and it appears as though her outside appearance has not changed. It is the inside that feels different. She cannot recognize what she is feeling.

As she stares at herself she imagines her body stained with the shape of his mouth, the burning sensation of his touch on her skin, his hand prints on her body.

She wants Toshiro to tell her "it's okay" again.

It's absurd, really, just how vulnerable she has become. She wants to peel off her insecurities like a layer of dead skin. She wants to go back to being uncaring and indifferent. She wants to be Karin Kurosaki— this lovesick, swooning girl is someone she never wanted to be.

She cannot stand the thought of being so weak.


	41. Epitome of Fear

_Epitome of Fear_

The only person who could truly ever scare Toshiro Hitsugaya is Rukia Kuchiki. Taking after her brother, she's truly a force to be reckoned with.

She approaches him with the same Intense glare she had back when they helped Ichigo regain his shinigami powers. She's calm and collected and he knows he's done something wrong.

"I want you to stop doing whatever it is you're doing with Karin." She commands, arms crossed over her chest.

"What? But, h-how did you-?"

"Call it a hunch." She explains, "Listen, captain Hitsugaya, all of us know about your feelings for lieutenant Hinamori. I know they're still there even if you won't admit it, and I'll be damned if you're using Karin as some coping mechanism for your failed relationship with Momo." Her eyes were now dangerously narrowed, "You'll tell her the truth, you'll break it off with her, and you _will_ do it before she heads back to the world of the living."


	42. Imagining

_Imagining_

It's past midnight and he sits just outside of Karin's bedroom, his back against the thin door, with a heavy heart and his head in his hands.

She could feel the unsteadiness of his heart, the unevenness of his breath. Surely he knows that she will let him in in a heart beat. She doesn't understand his hesitation. She doesn't understand why he's afraid.

She wants to tell him that it's okay.

He tries to think of a way that won't hurt the both of them. But he can't.


	43. Liar

_Liar_

He can't bring himself to look at her when he says it.

"What we did the other night was a mistake. We can't be what you want us to be. I'm sorry." He said it quickly, quietly, finally meeting her gaze that sets an unwanted fire in the pit of his stomach.

Her words are hushed, "What do you mean?"

His mouth suddenly goes dry and he swallows the lump in his throat, bracing himself for the sound of her heart breaking.

"I can't love you the way you want me to love you. I don't feel the same way about you. I just... _don't_."

She's approaching him slowly, raising her hand and firmly pressing her palm on his chest. "Say it again."

"I don't..." He exhales a breath, it's shaky, it's hesitant, "...want... you."

"I don't understand." She's looking right at him, her gaze burning into his, "why are you lying?"

 _Damn you, Karin._


	44. Like a Knife

_Like a Knife_

She didn't cry in front of him. She waited until she stepped out of the senkaimon and into the world of the living before she allowed herself to shed a single tear. She didn't care if Yuzu asked questions.

She's now locked in her old room, thankful for the fact that her family didn't move a single thing.

She's never felt this humiliated.

She's confused.

His words had cut her like a knife.

She felt his lie growing thicker every time he denied it. It had grown and festered like a disease, a poison he himself was nurturing. She didn't know why he kept on insisting when she felt it so _clearly_ in his soul. If Karin had less pride she would've begged him for an explanation— she would've demanded him to explain to her why he denied what was so painfully there. But no, if there's anyone more stubborn than Toshiro, it's her.


	45. Liar: part 2

_Liar: part 2_

 _This is better than the truth,_ he tries to convince himself, a mantra that is yet to make him feel better.

It was a truth that made him realize that he doesn't love Karin the same way he knows she loves him. He'd rather have her hate him than give her false hope.

But he _could_ come to love her. Maybe in a different life, he could love Karin Kurosaki with all of his miserable heart. He could love her in a deeper way than what he claimed to love Momo.

But in this life, it's best if he doesn't think about her anymore. Because he now sits in front of his grandmother, who has something important to ask of him, "I came as soon as I could," he explained, "what is this about?"

She smiles softly at him, "Momo... she loves you dearly. I know you can make her happy."

He freezes, eyes wide. He knows where she was going with this conversation, "What are you asking of me?"

She had placed a delicate hand over his, giving it a slight squeeze, "If you truly care for Momo, I want you to propose to her. Ask her to be your wife and make her happy."

He clenches his jaw. The tenth division captain must maintain his priorities.


	46. Love

_Love_

"When you married... did you marry for love?"

Byakuya Kuchiki had given him a glance at the sudden question. It was rare when the tenth division captain stepped foot in his manor, even more so to hear him speak on the subject of _love_.

"Love? Love has nothing to do with marriage. Love does not apply to marriage when you are a noble." He spoke as if the word itself was a curse.

Toshiro asks, "What about lieutenant Kuchiki's sister? Did you love her?"

Byakuya's demeanor faltered, "Hisana was nothing but a commoner from Rukongai, I married her despite the objections of my clan. To answer your question, yes, I did marry for love. But she didn't love me back. Not completely."

"Do you remember what that love felt like?"

The two men consider each other's presence, as in respect for one another before Byakuya looks away and says,

"How could I forget?"


	47. Fury

_Fury_

The agitation inside her was enough to bring down the walls of all soul society.

Karin had already known how Toshiro felt about his childhood friend. The girl had become his lover after the many decades they spent together. The way they were together... nothing comes close to what they had.

 _But he should have been different with me._

He had taken what he wanted. He had left her high and dry without giving her the satisfaction of telling her why. And the worst thing about this is that she let him.

She wants to go back to soul society so she can walk right up to him and _demand_ him to tell her why.

Karin knows exactly what she's worth, and she had thought Toshiro knew as well.


	48. Obligation, Not Love

_Obligation, Not Love_

There is no other way around it. It's best to get it over with now— at least he's making someone happy.

Momo looks just as beautiful than ever, but he isn't happy to see her. He doesn't smile, he doesn't greet her when she says his name. Instead he brings his hands together and bows.

"I see you're doing well, Hinamori," he says, her name burning his tongue. How long has it been since he last said her name? When they ended their relationship, there was no argument. They didn't yell, they didn't curse each other's names. They both agreed to go their separate ways but yet it was so painful he felt his heart was about ready to burst with grief.

Momo's smile had faltered, "I'm glad you're alright, Shiro-chan."

His heart clenched at the name. The memories it held. "I spoke with our grandmother, I think you know why I'm here."

She sighs, "Yes. I've been expecting you."

Then, through grit teeth and clenched fists he says, "Momo Hinamori, will you marry me?"


	49. Big News

_Big News_

The gray tones of the walls is what she notices first as she steps out of the senkaimon. The smell of rain is what she notices second.

Karin had returned from her paid leave in Karakura and she was determined to get an answer out of him. She had begun to make her way to where he was but she stopped briefly as she heard a chorus of cheering and laughing on the other side of the door.

She slides it open.

"Congratulations on your engagement Captain Hitsugaya and Lieutenant Hinamori!"

Her body goes numb, the words ringing in her ears. Everyone ranging from captains to lieutenants to third seats were gathered around the newly engaged couple. The room suddenly looked smaller.

She sees Ichigo give him a pat on the back with a grin on his face, "I never knew you had it in you, you sly midget!" She hears him say over the boisterous chatter.

He doesn't know. If he knew what he's done to her he wouldn't be congratulating him. He wouldn't be smiling at him like that. No one knows of the feelings that were shared a few nights ago. Whatever this was is not true. This shouldn't be happening.

It's been so chaotic in the tenth division barrack that no one notices Karin's arrival nor sudden disappearance.

She's dizzy. She could hardly feel the ground beneath her feet. Once outside she drops to her knees as she struggles to breathe.

The rain lets her convince herself she's not crying.


	50. Lieutenant

_Lieutenant_

During the festivities, Rangiku finds her captain alone in their barrack's training grounds.

"Taicho, why aren't you inside celebrating your engagement?"

"There's nothing to celebrate, Matsumoto. I don't love her. Not like before."

"That's a dangerous statement, taicho, you shouldn't say it so openly." Rangiku's voice was laced with warning.

"I saw her." He suddenly says, looking wistful and lost in thought.

Rangiku had raised a questioning brow, "Saw who?"

"Karin."

"So she finally returned..."

"She was on paid leave, she was bound to return soon." There was a long pause, "I wasn't expecting her to return today."

"Oh? And why the troubled look? As your second in command, I don't want you doing reckless things. I want you to be careful."

"I've thought long and hard about it, Matsumoto. This is what's best for me. It's what's best for _her_. I could come to love her again."

"Hmm. Perhaps."

Toshiro won't turn to see the look that his lieutenant was giving him.


	51. Realization

_Realization_

Their sex is usually passionate and erotic and exhilarating. But tonight, it was only violent and hateful. When it's over, they're both unsatisfied and in pain as they wonder what could have possibly gone wrong between them. How did it come to this? "You were thinking about someone else, weren't you?" Momo suddenly asks, her voice accusing.

He stays silent for a long time, closing his tired eyes before answering, "Yeah."

"Who is she?" She whispered into the darkness, voice shaking.

"It doesn't matter."

"I'm going to be your _wife_ , Toshiro, I deserve to know."

He turns to look at her, noticing how her eyes have narrowed down with tears threatening to fall. She was no longer the girl he fell in love with many years ago. He sighs at the realization. "All you need to know is that I don't love you anymore."

"Will you ever let me forget that?"

"No."


	52. Strife

_Strife_

The first time she spoke to him since her arrival was when she asked him if she could be relocated to her brother's barrack.

He had looked at her as if he missed her and it was then when Momo entered the room, a smile gracing her lips.

"This is a sudden request, Karin, but you're free to go." He suddenly says, his eyes begging for an explanation.

She had glanced at the lieutenant before excusing herself and so now she finds herself alone in her new room.

 _I don't care. I don't care. I don't care._

The mantra had failed to make herself feel better.

Karin usually feels like she's made of rock and stone— strong and sturdy. Unfazed— but now she feels like a shard of glass: transparent and so, so fragile. She hates him for making her this weak. She does not want him anymore. She tries her best to not feel his heart beat. She hasn't felt it since she left. And she will never forgive him for the mess she has become.

But she knows she would give herself to him in an instant if he asked.

 _I'll knock him out,_ she decides. She'll cancel out the strife he's caused.


	53. Envious Denial

_Envious Denial_

The 10th division captain is upset. In a bad mood. Simply _unapproachable_. He snaps at some squad members which earned a questioning glance from Rangiku when she brought him his tea.

The temperature in the room is noticeably lower.

Maybe it's because seeing Karin acting friendly with another man is putting him in a sour mood. He really shouldn't care about her relations or with whom she spends her days with and he tells himself that he is simply looking out for a friend.

He has made up with Momo and whatever feelings he has for Karin are meant to be locked away, never to return to the surface. Because ever sleeping with Karin was nothing but a huge mistake.

He tries to convince himself that he isn't jealous.


	54. Weather: part 3

_Weather: part 3_

She'd never gotten to ask him where he went that last time it stormed; why he'd been out in the rain, why he'd gone anywhere at all when he knew they were supposed to be together during bad weather.

It's storming again and she sits up in bed, hugging her knees and rocking herself back and forth to mimic Toshiro's soothing movement when he'd hold her. It doesn't work. It feels like betrayal, and not like the comfort that's gotten her through so many storms in the past

She hopes he's restless. She hopes he can't sleep, either.


	55. Wish

_Wish_

 _I really have to get my shit together. This behavior is unbecoming of a captain._

Momo had been ranting and gossiping for what felt like hours. Well, no, not hours— it's only been fifteen minutes but it feels like forever.

"...And then Kira and Shuhei went into a drinking contest because Rangiku bet that they both couldn't hold their liquor. Kira passed out after his third sake bottle." She broke into a laughing fit, the amusement still laced in her voice, "You should join us some time," she said in between breaths, "you've been very tense lately."

Toshiro is distracted, and gives her a half hearted response.

He wishes he could see Karin.


	56. Coping

_Coping_

" _Keep 'em coming barkeep!"_

Karin takes a swig from the sake bottle and slams it down on the table and hiccups before being overtaken by a fit of giggles. She's easily the youngest person in the sake joint, and she's been picking fights and beating grown men who dare to challenge her.

But now she's too drunk to sit up straight— she sags, leans, catches her balance, and swats away uninvited hands that are groping at her.

" _Get your damn hands off me!"_ Her words are slurred, and the men harassing her don't heed her requests. _"I'm gonna… I'll fucking…"_ But she's too intoxicated to fight them off.

 _pt. 2_

Rukia averts her eyes while Karin vomits into a bucket. She'd found the girl nearly passed out, being led away by some sleazy men at the fairly new sake joint, and shuddered to think what could have happened if she didn't get there in time.

"Karin" she says gently, "you need to find a better way to cope. I know he hurt you, but this isn't the way. You can't put yourself in danger because of him."

Karin groans. She wipes her mouth and says, "I don't know what you're talking about," but even as she's saying it, the tears begin to flow.


	57. Loyalty

_Loyalty_

Momo tries her best not to care.

She tells herself she's fine as long as he continues to stay by her side. Content with that simple fact.

But— and she loathes to admit it— somehow she wants something more.

Somehow she still loves him. she found herself going back to him after they've ended things. She wants him to love her with every fiber of his being.

She wants to be Toshiro's lover more than she wants to be his wife.

But if she can only have the latter, well it's better than nothing.

If he can't stay loyal to her, at least he's loyal to their grandmother.


	58. Foreigner

_Foreigner_

Karin had always felt at home in Toshiro's barracks when she would visit and when she was transferred here many years ago. She would lounge around with her best friend when he wasn't hard at work, and enjoyed Rangiku's company with a drink or two of sake.

She and Toshiro used to roam the empty barrack late at night, talking and laughing and joking— three things Toshiro had only done with her.

She'd felt special. She felt like she was the only person in the world whom Toshiro could completely let his guard down with, save for Rangiku.

Now though, she feels like a foreigner.

She doesn't belong here.


	59. The Other Woman

_The Other Woman_

"Kurosaki-san," came a stunned voice. Karin hadn't realized how long she's been standing in Toshiro's office, and so she turns to meet Momo's brown-eyed gaze, "are you perhaps looking for Shiro-chan?"

Her heart clenches at the mention of his name. Her stomach twists at the smile she's giving her. "No. I was just about to leave actually..."

"Oh..." Karin tried her best to ignore the disappointment in Momo's voice, "...it's been so long since you've been here. I'm sure he would've been glad to see you."

An unintentional scoff left Karin's mouth, "You don't mean that."

"But I do." Momo's smile grew, "I know you could make his day easier if he spends time with you. He's very lucky to have a friend like you."

A bitter taste was left in Karin's mouth. Momo doesn't suspect her at all. Momo should be _yelling_ at her for having an affair with her future husband; not asking her to get _closer_ to him.

"You're just saying that.

"Not at all."

"I'm sure," Karin insists, "that you're the only one who makes his days much more enjoyable."

Momo sighs. She doesn't have that effect on Toshiro anymore.


	60. Cowardice

_Cowardice_

Toshiro has walked by Karin's room at least ten times by now, pausing a little with each pass as he tries to convince himself to knock.

On the other side Karin sits in anxious, nostalgic silence, painfully aware of his presence and his hesitation.

She questions how he managed to enter her brother's barrack so late in the evening. She questions why he's here.

She hears him stop briefly— hears the gentle brush of his fingers against the door, hears him sigh heavily before heading down the hall once more.

They're both equally disgusted by his cowardice, but they also know that she would not bring herself to listen even if he could bring himself to speak.


	61. Loyalty: part 2

_Loyalty: part 2_

"You should be ashamed of yourself." Her voice comes from behind him. He shouldn't be surprised she came looking for him.

"That's all I've been lately." He counters, glaring at the ground.

Rukia rolls her eyes, "You sorry excuse of a man. You wouldn't be alive if Ichigo were to know what you did to his sister."

"What _else_ do you want me to do?" He nearly yelled, "I did what _you_ asked me to do! I ended things with her! I told her I didn't _love_ her!"

"And did you mean it? There's a reason why she's like this, captain Hitsugaya, she could hardly speak with you, much less bring herself to _look_ at you. They both deserve better than you, you know that?"

"I know."

She says, "So then fix it, Toshiro. You can't continue to break people's hearts with half-truths just because it's convenient for you."

"It's not for me. It's for my grandmother."


	62. Drunk

_Drunk_

She's normally not the heavy drinker. But today, she didn't care.

Karin gets drunk at the dinner party, and she cracks rude jokes, makes a mess, and argues with Ichigo as he tries to take her drink away.

On the other side Toshiro sits in irritated silence, her behavior bothering him more than it should.

Momo looks at him, "Toshiro, _do_ something." She nearly begged, "She's ruining everyone's dinner."

"What do you expect me to do?" He ignored the sudden churn of his stomach as his eyes briefly met Karin's intoxicated ones. He figured Ichigo was more than capable of handling his sister.

"It doesn't matter. Just... _please_ get her to calm down."

Reluctantly, he excuses himself and grabs the giggling girl by her elbow; shushing her and leading her out of the restaurant.

Karin goads, _"What's wrong, captain? Got a stick up your ass?"_

 _Yeah._ He thinks, ignoring her sudden proximity. _You_ _._

Toshiro hopes her words were too slurred for anyone to understand.


	63. Pretend

_Pretend_

Momo is tired. Toshiro was gone for a minute too long and when he had returned to her side the scowl she didn't like had reappeared. She got the sudden sensation he didn't want to be there anymore.

She would smile prettily so that their friends wouldn't suspect a thing. She would dote on him, give him the occasional kiss on cheek, she even had to elbow him gently on his side to remind him to smile.

She would hold his hand but he wouldn't return the gesture.

She would call him pet names but he hardly did the same for her.

She knows this relationship is one-sided; she's reminded every single day. But she can't pretend for the both of them.


	64. Brother

_Brother_

"Here, this should help." Ichigo presses a steaming cup of coffee into Karin's hands. She is hungover, embarrassed, and glad that Ichigo is the only person with her.

She groans, "Please tell me I didn't say anything embarrassing over dinner."

"Well, you did say that Toshiro had a stick up his ass but I don't think anyone else heard." He chuckled slightly, "I hope you can forgive him, Karin. What he did to you and what he's doing with lieutenant Hinamori is not right."

Karin's cheeks flushed, "You knew about that?"

"I would've killed him by now if I didn't know how you felt about him." He grins at her, "Are you surprised?"

"No. I guess I shouldn't be."


	65. Storm

_Storm_

Toshiro stands alone in the center of his bedroom, his gaze never leaving his neatly made bed.

The memory of the multiple times Karin had entered his room and crawled to his side flashed in his mind. The thought of her laying next to him came soon after. Skin against skin. Just like their first and last time they were intimately close.

And he wonders if he would do it again. Start over and treat her differently. Make her feel good and love her until his dying breath.

 _It's all just wishful thinking_. He tells himself.

There's a storm coming and there's nothing he could do.


	66. Hands

_Hands_

Each time lightning strikes, Karin could see her life flash before her eyes. Her body tenses in the anticipation of searing pain and tears are rolling down her cheeks as fear grips her already fragile heart and will not let go until the clouds move on.

This is what storms are like without Toshiro.

Ichigo can't figure out what's wrong with her or how to help, but he's trying his best and so he holds her close and mumbles words into her ear and Karin wishes his efforts meant more to her than they do

But Ichigo's hands holding hers do not feel like comfort or assurance or love. They just feel like hands.


	67. Plea

_Plea_

There's a knock on his door and Toshiro groans. He could only imagine who it could be.

When he opens he is surprised to see Ichigo on the other side. "Sorry to bother you..." He says, his voice filled with worry and a bit of frustration, "It's Karin, she's really afraid and I don't know what to do. I've already tried comforting her but it's not working."

Toshiro could sense the fear radiating off of the new fifth division captain. "I know Karin doesn't like storms but this time it's different... I've never seen her like this before." He exhaled a hesitant breath, "She's been part of your division for years, there have been storms _during_ those years and I also know I shouldn't be asking you this but..." He swallows the lump in his throat, "... can you help her?"

Toshiro knows he should say no. He knows he should deny Ichigo's plea but...

He exhales heavily, "... I'll see what I can do."


	68. Solace

_Solace_

When he enters her room, his heart aches at the sight of her. She is hugging herself tightly and she's mumbling incoherent words and when he touches her she immediately grabs onto him.

Her hands are trembling.

This shaking girl in his arms is the Karin who isn't afraid of anything. This frightened girl is the same Karin that is rude and rash and he could never take his eyes off her. He could never look anywhere else because he's always _looking_ at her.

 _"You're safe. We're fine. It's okay."_

He whispers softly into her ear, his hold on her tightening and he places a tentative kiss on her forehead. Karin seeks solace in his embrace and Toshiro is glad she needs him.

He tries to treasure this moment as much as he can because once this storm passes he knows he will have to let go.


	69. Confession

_Confession_

Karin woke up cold and alone. She would've passed last nights event as a dream if only his scent still didn't linger around her.

The kiss on her forehead felt too real and his words that resounded in her mind made her wish that he was still with her.

She only hopes he didn't hear what she'd said while she was on the brink of losing her mind.

 _Pt. 2_

When he enters his barrack, Momo immediately wraps her arms around him. "I was so worried last night," she says, finding his hands and holding them tightly, "is Kurosaki-san alright?"

He nods stiffly as she runs her hands through his hair soothingly but he is hardly paying attention to her. The memory of Karin's words continues to repeat in his mind;

 _I love you, Toshiro._

Toshiro wishes he hadn't heard her.

It would've been easier for him to leave her if she hadn't said those three words.

He wants to believe that everything that happened last night was nothing but a dream.


	70. Liar: part 3

_Liar: part 3_

Ichigo goes to thank him.

"Thank you for going to Karin last night." He says, scratching the back of his head sheepishly, "I don't know what you did but it worked. I really am grateful."

Toshiro shrugs, ignoring the lump in his throat. "It was nothing, Kurosaki. I've grown accustomed to your sister's fear of storms so this wasn't a problem." He exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding. _If only you knew..._

The look Ichigo was giving him didn't escape him.

"Toshiro." His tone was suddenly much more serious, "What's Karin to you?"

"Karin she's..." He pauses for a minute, conflicted, "...someone very special to me. A dear friend."

Something flashed in Ichigo's eyes and Toshiro couldn't bear to look at him anymore.


	71. Visit

_Visit_

His grandmother smiles when he visits. "It's good to see you, Toshiro, I hope things are going well for you."

He sits across from her and he tries to give her a convincing smile. "Yes. Things are fine. You don't have to worry."

"You say that but I can see that you're unhappy."

Toshiro was too tired to lie, and he frowned at the older woman in front of him. His shoulders sagged as he sighed and he hung his head low. She placed her hand on his and gave it a understanding squeeze, "Have you fallen out of love with Momo?"

The silence he gave her was more than enough to answer her question and he closes his eyes.

 _"I'm sorry."_


	72. Please, Karin

_Please, Karin_

Karin is determined to not leave her room today, or ever, for that matter. She can't bear to cross paths with Toshiro and she won't stand running into lieutenant Hinamori.

 _Just a few more days,_ she tells herself, laying still on her bed with her eyes looking up at the ceiling, _Then I could forget everything that happened with Toshiro. I would finally move on._

But no, she just can't catch a break. The footsteps echoing through the hall are Toshiro's for sure.

This time he knocks.

She groans.

He says, "Please, Karin..."

Her heart is about ready to burst. "You've got to be _kidding_ me."

 _"Please."_

During the time she's known him, she's never heard him ask for anything twice.

"Fine..."


	73. I Miss You

_I Miss You_

They stand in awkward, tense, silence. Neither of them saying a word as they continued to look at each other with unwavering gazes and in sync heartbeats.

Karin suddenly felt herself growing agitated.

She begins to tap her foot impatiently with her arms crossed over her chest as she waits for him to speak. "Well?" She's the first one to break the silence, "What do you want?"

Toshiro forgets what he came here to say and he swallows.

"Karin, I... I miss you."

"So what?" She tries to sound uncaring but the wavering of her voice betrayed her.

He reaches for her and Karin has every right to step away but she stays still, letting him put a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She knows the kiss is coming. And she knows it shouldn't happen. But she makes to effort to stop it.


	74. Want

_Want_

He's too busy taking off their clothes that he stops thinking all together. Her pleasured sighs brush against his lips and he hadn't realized how much he _craved_ her touch.

 _"Tell me to stop."_ He whispered huskily her ear, letting her clothes fall to the ground. If they continue, he won't be able to stop.

"Tell me to stop." He said again, this time more louder as his hands find her bare waist and his lips find her neck. Karin is now pressed up against the wall and his body is flush against hers. He feels like he his losing his mind.

"TELL ME TO STOP!" His sudden outburst made her eyes snap open and he stepped away from her, his chest heaving as he took in the sight of her. "Why aren't you listening to me?! Why are you _letting_ me do this to you?!" His voice was quivering, his heart pounding against his chest. "Why do you _love_ me?" He said in a quieter tone. Never had he felt so unsure about himself and never had he felt like this.

He wanted to take her.

He wanted to _claim_ her and make her his.

He wants to make _love_ to her.

He wants to hear her passionately moan his name but not like this. Not when he is to marry someone else.

She looked at him with anger and fury overshadowing her features.

A look he wasn't sure she was capable of making until now.


	75. Anger and Fury

_Anger and Fury_

She's shouting at him. She's throwing things at him. She's calling him every colorful name in the book in nothing but her bra and underwear and he finds himself at a loss for words.

"You ask me why I love you? Why I let you _touch_ me? Fuck you, Toshiro! You can't just make me _feel_ things and then leave when you're doubting yourself!" She yells, approaching him and jabbing her finger into his chest repeatedly, "What the hell _am_ I to you?! Am I some fucking _game_? Wasn't I your friend? Your ally?"

She grabbed his hand and placed it flat on her chest just above her heart, "Do you feel this?" She asks, looking directly into his eyes, her palm now pressed against his bare chest, "Do you see how they're the same? Beating equally as fast? How _real_ it is?!" The tears were coming and she didn't bother to wipe them away. He needs to see how this situation is affecting her too. "You can't _fucking_ deny this, Toshiro! And don't you _dare_ call this a mistake!"

Toshiro's eyes hardened, "I would never-"

But she wasn't listening. "Sometimes I wish I never met you just to stop all this heart ache!"

He took a step forward and this time she took a step back. His pained expression didn't go unnoticed. "You don't mean that, Karin..."

And she shakes her head, "I'm tired, Toshiro. I'm so tired of this... this _thing_. But most of all, I'm tired of _you_." She squared her shoulders, "Make up your mind because I'm tired of waiting."

He grabs both her wrists before she managed to get too far. "Look at me, Karin."

She glares at the ground.

"Karin, _look at me._ "

"Get out!" She ground out, ignoring his plea. She won't look at him. Not anymore.

"Karin-"

"I said, GET OUT!"

Reluctantly, he did as he was told to do and the door slammed shut behind him.

On the other side he could hear her sobbing.

And he was tired of it all too.

 **~.~**

 **A/N: I know I said I wasn't going to comment during any of the chapters until the end but I simply couldn't resist! I feel like I must apologize for all the angst that honestly wasn't planned. This was created purely for shits and giggles and never had I imagined it would get this far (or this deep) lol. I've been working on this for little over a year now and I am honestly so grateful for your constant support in the reviews. You're all so amazing and you are my drive for continuing this story. So thank you from the bottom of my angst-filled heart.**

 **And to be frank I was going to stop the whole drabble-style thing I have going on back when this was still in its first couple of chapters because I also found it to be too short in terms of story progression but I'm glad to see that you guys are enjoying it :)**

 **If you're all wondering what kind of song I listen to while writing the chapters it would be** _ **I Found by Amber Run**_ **which I find to be the perfect fit for Toshiro. (This was normally going to be a Toshiro centric fic tbh but it ended up going between both Karin and Toshiro) And I promise that things will soon get better between the two. This is a HitsuKarin fic after all.**

 **When will this end? Not any time soon since there are many things that still need to be addressed and I have yet to figure out how I'm gonna end this *sweat drops* but fret not because it is going to be a happy ending ;)**

 **So that's all I gotta say (for now) and I'll see you all next time!**


	76. Revelation

_Revelation_

He returns to his barrack and Rangiku is the first one to see him.

"Taicho, what are you... are you okay?" Her voice was laced with worry and her brows crease in question as she takes in the sight of her distraught captain.

He looks at her with something unrecognizable in his eyes. "I fucked up, Matsumoto." He says, voice thick and unsteady, "I ruined everything."

She frowns at him. She knows exactly what he's talking about and she has no idea how to console him. _It'll work out._ She wants to say but doesn't, noticing that he turned around to leave.

She makes a hesitant step. "Where are you going at this hour? You've just returned..."

He stands stiffly at the door, his back to her. "I'm going to see someone I should've visited a long time ago."

And he was gone.


	77. One of Those Amazing Men

_One of Those Amazing Men_

Karin isn't crying anymore, mainly because she had lost her voice and run out of tears to cry.

Rukia is holding her, running her fingers soothingly through her hair while she rocks her gently back and forth. She tries her best to comfort her.

"I know it's hard not to want him, but... Captain Histugaya is... one of those amazing men you meet because fate and destiny brought you two together... and no matter how much you fight it you can't help loving this person. May it be the right time or the wrong time..."

Karin sniffs. "Gross. It sounds like you're talking about Ichi-nii."

Rukia laughs. "Perhaps. He was the one who called me here." She sighs, moving some strands of hair out of Karin's eyes. "Some things are just too strange and strong to be coincidence, Karin. You both love each other, I know you do. But even though you know what you want... It's up to _him_ to make the final decision. You don't _need_ him."

Karin knows in her head that what Rukia is saying is true, but she can't convince her heart. She squeezes her eyes shut.

When she sees him, Rukia decides, there will be hell to pay.


	78. Captain

_Captain_

It's been years since he last saw him, but Isshin isn't surprised that he's here.

"Captain Shiba..." Toshiro is anxious.

"You've grown into a fine young man, Toshiro." He addresses, noticing the state of his distressed third seat. "Come inside and make yourself comfortable. I have a feeling you won't be leaving anytime soon."

He stands stiffly in the center of the Kurosaki household, the weight on his shoulders suddenly feeling like lead. Just like his heart. "I didn't mean to disturb you-"

"Is this about Karin?"

Toshiro blinks. Once. Twice. "How did you..." His eyes then go over to the orange haired man. "...Kurosaki?"

And his question had been answered even before he managed to completely say it.


	79. Father, Son, and Ex-Third Seat

_Father, Son, and Ex-Third Seat_

Ichigo is furious. "You're a piece of shit, Toshiro, you know that? A pathetic liar too!"

The words had stung and he tried not to cringe at the truth they held. "Don't patronize me, Kurosaki. I'm here to speak with your father."

"For what?" Ichigo scoffed, eyes narrowed. "To tell him how you tried to take advantage of Karin? I don't think-"

"Ichigo," Isshin cut him off, placing a firm hand on his son's shoulder before giving Toshiro an apologetic glance, "let the boy speak. You're jumping into conclusions."

Ichigo tried to protest. "If only you would've _seen_ her, dad. She was a mess and I didn't know how to help her!" He shot Toshiro a heated glare, "And it's all _his_ fault."

"Do you really think..." Isshin began, "...that Toshiro would look the way he does because he doesn't feel troubled by his own actions?"

And then Ichigo looked at him, really analyzed him; noticing the mess of his hair, his blood shot eyes from what he assumed to be from lack of sleep, he also didn't have his captain's haori on. He looked like a man who was just as broken as his sister.

And that realization made his chest swell. He couldn't be angry at him anymore. And maybe, he never really was.


	80. Conflicted

_Conflicted_

"You've fallen for her haven't you?" Ichigo said quietly, the accusation still there. "And when I asked you what she was to you you said she was a friend. You really are an idiot."

Toshiro bit the inside of his cheek, his eyes wandering to his former captain who'd been looking at him expectantly then back to Ichigo. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen..."

"Of course you didn't." Ichigo scoffed, "But it did. And the question remains: What are _you_ going to do about it?"

Toshiro frowned at the question.

Simply because he is yet to know the answer.


	81. Decision

_Decision_

Karin forced herself to get up the next morning. Her eyes are still puffy from all the crying and her hair was a mess.

She looked miserable and she was still angry. Angry at herself for letting things get this far. Angry at him for making things so... so _complicated_.

She decides to leave if he doesn't make up his mind any time soon. She will leave and never return.

If her father managed to live a normal human life even after death, then so can she.


	82. Nerves

_Nerves_

"I told you to _fix it_ and you try to sleep with Karin again? What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" Rukia crosses her arms as she scolds him.

Toshiro doesn't have the energy to listen to her berate him. He doesn't look up from his paperwork as he says, "I'm not in the mood for this, lieutenant Kuchiki."

"You're not in the _mood?_ " She scoffs, "You have a _lot_ of nerve-"

"Was I unclear?" He finally meets her gaze. "You can either leave now on your own accord or I can have someone escort you out. Frankly, I have no preference."


	83. Captain and Lieutenant

_Captain and Lieutenant_

Rangiku raises her eyebrows at her captain. "You _want_ to visit _Aizen_?"

Toshiro nods. "I need to know why, Matsumoto. He's a demon from my past and I need to over come it."

"...I don't think you should. You are just fine without him." There's a hint of disapproval in her voice.

"I won't be able to face either of them properly if I don't."

"There are other ways..." she tries, searching his eyes for a logical explanation.

"There is no other way, Matsumoto..."

"But, Taicho!" She frowns at him.

Toshiro sighs. "Rangiku, please..."

"...you're really going to do it."

"Yes."

"Then... as you wish, captain. I won't be in your way."


	84. Aizen

_Aizen_

Not once has he visited the man he wanted to kill, but Aizen isn't surprised to see him.

"How did you do it?" Toshiro is desperate.

"You'll have to be more specific." Aizen relishes the sight of the distraught captain.

"How did you manage to hurt the people who care about you and continue to live with yourself? You've managed to remain sane but I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm just like you. I'm trying to keep my priorities straight and I'm hurting everyone around me to do it!"

Aizen scoffed. "You and I are nothing alike."

"Answer me."

"Sacrifices must be made." He leers bitterly.

"Sometimes I wish you'd managed to kill me."

Then Aizen laughs. "And that, captain Hitsugaya, is something we have in common."


	85. Need

_Need_

Momo notices that Toshiro is distracted.

He keeps his distance from her and it almost feels like she's being avoided. When he looks at her, it's like he is seeing right through her.

She's the one who has to strike up a conversation but she's known him for so long that she could notice the changes in his behavior.

it doesn't take a genius to know that he's visiting _him_.

She does nothing to stop it.

Only because she knows that he needs it.


	86. Delay

_Delay_

Karin just wants to go home, but they won't let her leave.

"I'm sorry, Karin, but the senkaimon isn't working properly. Please try to understand."

"You're so full of shit, Ichi-nii! I would have believed you if only _she_ wasn't here." She glares at Rangiku. "Both of you are real slick. Really, you should get an award."

"Please, Karin, give taicho some more time..."

"Tell him I'm tired of waiting!"

"Actually, he wishes to not be bothered..."

"Then let _me_ talk to him."

Rangiku stammers for a moment before she says, "Taicho specifically mentioned you..."

The rage that swells within Karin is profound.

 _He thinks he can keep me out?_

It takes every ounce of willpower she has from storming her way through and knocking down his door.


	87. Misery Loves Company

_Misery Loves Company_

"Why do you come down here, Captain Hitsugaya?"

Aizen's menacing grin didn't go unnoticed and Toshiro squared his shoulders in response, glaring at him. "Misery loves company."

"You're anything but miserable." He scoffed, "Your motive for coming here is questionable but I could see that you're conflicted. Where is the boy who once had all the answers in the palm of his hand?"

Toshiro's scowl returned, but Azien didn't waver.

"Coming here won't give you the answer that you need."

"How are you so sure?"

"Are you expecting me to tell you something to put you at ease?" Aizen asked, tilting his head slightly in amusement. "Because I have no intention in helping you make a choice."

The weight on Toshiro's shoulders suddenly became unbearable.


	88. Secrets

_Secrets_

Momo wonders if she did the right thing.

To let Toshiro visit the man he despises more than anything without questioning it. To let him find that closure that had him second guessing his actions but wasn't sure if he needed it. She used to think she knew him.

But he's been acting very strange lately and now he feels like a completely different person. He doesn't tell her anything anymore.

She demands to see him but no one even listens to her. "He wishes to be undisturbed, Lieutenant Hinamori." Is what some squad members tell her on occasion.

Alone in her room, she paces back and forth.

She goes into his office only to find him gone,

then goes to lie flat on her back in bed,

then sits up, sighs, and puts her head in her hands.

Momo thinks that Toshiro loves his secrets more than he could ever love anything else.


	89. The Criminal That Refuses To Speak

_The Criminal That Refuses To speak_

The man strapped into the chair is defiant. Stubborn. He refuses to speak.

Despite this, Toshiro knows that even the cruelest of men could hold the tiniest bit of guilt. And that is why he is here.

"You are wasting your time." Aizen insists in his bitter and angry tone.

But Toshiro doesn't think he is. He will continue to come here until he hears what needs to be heard. "That's not for you to decide." He turns on his heel, "But I'll leave you. For now..."

"By the way, Captain Hitsugaya," Aizen said before he could leave the room, "congratulations on your engagement."


	90. Proposition

_Proposition_

Karin somehow managed to convince both Ichigo and Rangiku to let her out of the room, and she found herself making her way towards the tenth division.

She won't leave until she sees him, but they just won't _let_ her and she's growing impatient.

She begins to antagonize the squad member who'd been ordered to keep people away from his headquarters.

"You _do_ know that I am Ichigo Kurosaki's younger sister, right? _And_ that I could take you on with my hands tied behind my back?"

The squad member isn't allowed to engage in conversation, but he whispers, "Kurosaki-san, please... you're going to get me in trouble."

"Yeah, maybe... but if you tell me what's going on with Toshiro," she says sweetly, "I promise to behave."

The squad member doesn't know whose wrath he fears more — Karin's or the captain's.


	91. The Criminal Who Finally Speaks

_The Criminal Who Finally Speaks_

His feet feel as though they are bound by chains. He can't bring himself to move.

Aizen appears to be satisfied and Toshiro curses him for catching him off guard. The man who refused to speak has finally spoken. "You came here expecting I wouldn't know that you are blaming me for the fact that you can't stay faithful to the woman you vowed to protect." He leers, almost angry, "Listen to me, captain Hitsugaya, whatever it is you're doing, stop it now. That girl has suffered enough and you know exactly what I'm referring to."

And Toshiro is silent.

 ** _A/N: Well, well, well, look who finally decided to update. *insert nervous laughter* It's been sooo long since I've updated this story and I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for my frequent updates but I assure you that I will once again start to update as often as I did before. So please look forward to that. I love you all! :)_**


	92. Wondering

_Wondering_

Karin has been mindlessly antagonizing the squad member for ages now— its nice to occupy herself with something other than feeling sorry for herself. She throws petty insults at him and questions his competence.

Still, though, she's uneasy and nervous with wonder.

Everyone who knows Toshiro knows him for his secrets, but between the two of them, there have been so few.

She's still so angry at him, and she still wants to go home, and maybe she really will bust herself out and be on her merry way, but until then, she mostly just hopes he's all right.


	93. Forgiveness and Shame

_Forgiveness and Shame_

Aizen isn't looking at him anymore, and Toshiro decides it's best if he were to leave. The man has nothing left to say to him.

There is nothing else left to be said.

And when he steps outside, he is surprised to find his lieutenant already waiting for him.

He falls to his knees, and avoids her gaze,

"Please. Please forgive me."

 _Pt. 2_

 _Forgive him?_

Rangiku lowers herself to meet her captain's eyes. He seems different, nothing about him seems familiar. And she questions what could have happened during his visits with Aizen.

"How can I forgive you? You haven't done me wrong, taicho."

"That isn't true." He insists, gripping her elbows, "I am unworthy of being your captain." She smoothes her hands over his and says,

"You were not aware that this situation was going happen. Tell me, taicho," she urges, "How am I to forgive you when I am not the one you should be asking for forgiveness?"

And for the first time in his life, Toshiro experiences shame.


	94. Resolve

_**A/N:**_ _I'm trash I know. It's been what, 6 months since I last updated? I honestly didn't mean to be M.I.A for so long things just got in the way and I just wasn't feeling inspired to really write anything and that honestly sucks cause I enjoy writing for you guys. And I'm hoping that this time around my sudden spark of inspiration doesn't just disappear lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this short installment and I'll see you in 2 days. ~_

* * *

 _Resolve_

Karin has never been known for her patience. After what she is sure has been hours of sitting and waiting and _struggling_ to be respectful of Toshiro's command, she finally resolves.

 _Fuck this._

She will not sit and wait around like a damned fool while the _jerk_ who broke her heart roams his barrack tossing mysterious orders around and sending both her brother _and_ his lieutenant to her room in an attempt to stop her from leaving.

She will not be compliant anymore, she doesn't understand why she was ever compliant in the first place.

"You might want to stand back." She is polite enough to warn the squad member before she bursts through the door.


	95. Storm Clouds

_Storm Clouds_

Toshiro doesn't realize how long he's been holding onto his lieutenant's shoulders and she tries her best to make her captain feel better.

Rangiku asks gently, "Was it worth it? Visiting the man you have vowed to kill? You said you wanted to do this." She places one hand on Toshiro's shoulder, encouraging him to look her in the eye. "I need to know if it was worth it."

Instead of looking at his lieutenant, he casts his gaze to the darkening storm coulds above.

"It serves me right," he says, quiet and low, "that the sun doesn't shine today."


	96. Demand

_Demand_

Most of the squad members know better than to pick a fight with Karin by now, but those who don't will know today.

"Woah, hold on guys," she tells them when they approach her with their weapons drawn. "It's best for all of us if you just let me be. Toshiro will understand... and if he doesn't, then I'll just kick his ass, too."

She roams the barrack in search of the captain— she will demand to be taken home, and she won't take 'not now' as an answer.

She'll yell.

She'll scream.

She'll fight him if she has to.


	97. Time

_Time_

"I think it's time for you to properly speak with Momo."

Toshiro stops in his tracks, though he isn't surprised by Rangiku's words. He's painfully aware that it should be done, yet he doesn't know _how_ to do it.

He turns around to face her. "I'll need a little bit more time... to get my thoughts together..."

"Unfortunately captain," she says, her expression suddenly serious, "I don't think you get to have such a luxury."


	98. Please

_Please_

Rangiku notices Karin first— she shifts her eyes to where she stands behind Toshiro, and the captain follows her stare.

Toshiro's face goes pale and his palms begins to sweat when he sees her. He isn't aware, but Rangiku is watching him closely.

Toshiro's voice is hoarse. "What do you want? What are you doing here, Karin?"

"I..." Karin could hardly remember why she came. "I want... to go home."

"I don't have time for that right now." He doesn't want her to leave. He also doesn't want to argue.

"What's going on?"

"Later, Karin, please."

She hates when he says "please."


End file.
